During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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