I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
