I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
she pinky promised me she was 18
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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