Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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