just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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