people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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