I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
BRING THE BAGELS
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
