Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
