im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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