Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
