i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
