one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
