i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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