In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
