I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
