Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
