You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
