when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
organizing the empties. That sober.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
