Im at strip club and am horny
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
