i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
