I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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