Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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