i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
