Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
