the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
