I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
