I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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