Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
