I am spending my child support on dildos
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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