dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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