When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
