So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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