I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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