I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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