just tell him i said nine months
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
