Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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