I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
