I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
