i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
