All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
