he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
