I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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