my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
