My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
