Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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