talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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