I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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