i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
