oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar