well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.