Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home