Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
