Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
