i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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