i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
