Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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